I Surrender

Last October, just hours before I caught a flight to VA to sit by my precious Uncle's side in what would be my last moments with him, I downloaded this song by Kim Walker "I Surrender" to my iPod.  I can't count how many times I played it over and over, that week, as I plugged my ear buds into my ears, whether I was sitting by his side or in the waiting room.  I'd put it on "replay" and fall asleep to it, at 3 a.m. in a hotel in the middle of Charlottesville.  I love this video on YouTube, as it focuses on the Worshipper--doing just that--SURRENDERING-everything-every.part.of.himself....all.to.God. 

Whenever I felt as though I was on that "cliff" of an anxiety attack October 4-8, I quickly fumbled through my belongings, to plug this song into my heart and brain.....
What do YOU need to SURRENDER?  If there's a way I can pray for you, this week, please drop me a line.  If you're not a "real life friend" and do not have my email address, leave me yours in the comment area and I'll email you directly. 

Blessings friends!

Memorize with Me?

Psalm 139:23-24

 

23 Search me, God, and know my heart;
   test me and know my anxious thoughts. 24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
   and lead me in the way everlasting.

 

 

I'm going to focus on this passage for the next week.  If you're one who struggles with anxiety and panic issues, would you join me, in memorizing it?  What is "offensive?"  For me, it's the inability to just leave all that I surrender, at the Foot of the Cross--at Jesus' Feet.  I surrender it.  I say "I'm trusting you God, I don't want to feel anxious...." and yet, before I know it, I feel the level of stress escalating, my blood pressure rising, my hands trembling, my breathing shallow.....and I find myself saying "Don't be anxious about anything Jess.....don't be anxious...." and then, it's the beginning of the cycle again. 

I have NOT abandoned ship!

It has been a busy 4 weeks or so and man.oh.MAN.oh.MAN has my faith been stretched.tested.tried.  I have felt anxiety attacks, waves of panic crashing in over my head, like I haven't experienced in 2+ years.  BUT, God--my Savior, my REDEEMER, my Heavenly Father who is FULL OF GRACE, has held me.Oh.So.Tight right up against His chest and as I have settled in, to be nestled in the sweetness of His embrace, I have begun to "breathe in, breathe out" to the rhythm of His heartbeat. 

I will share more later--but during my "time away," God continued to mature me, develop me, prune me.....I'm not quite finished processing things-but found it interesting, a little saddening and well--I dunno-I'm still processing--that my WEEPING WILLOW TREE--my "focus" in my journey with Anxiety and Panic--was gone.  Chopped down.  But, interestingly enough-my eyes fell on several other willow trees on the same piece of property, that I had never noticed before....stay tuned for "thoughts on that...."

And GRACE....let's talk about GRACE soon.  :)  <3 to all my friends who are on this journey with me!

Worrying vs. Anxiety vs. Panic

Do you know the difference?

Have you experienced any or all? Separately or all at once?

Are you or do you know someone who worries?

Are you or do you know someone who struggles with anxiety?

Are you or do you know someone who struggles with panic (anxiety)  attacks?

Just to get you thinking about the difference:

I worry that I may sleep late tomorrow and miss the knock on the door of the "delivery" of a very special 4 year old little girl I'll be taking care of this summer.

I am anxious and think OFTEN-and fret-and worry-about my return to VA in 3 short weeks, to encounter many "firsts" since my Uncle R.O.'s death in October.  The UNKNOWN of what lies ahead is enough to push me to the brink.....

Of an anxiety/panic attack.

When that occurs-for ME-I am physically feeling things all over my body-not just things "playing" around in my head or heart.  My pulse may increase.  I sweat profusely.  I often begin gagging (in an attempt not to puke--and then, often, will puke).  I often cry.  And shake/tremble. I find it difficult to breathe and often feel as though I'm choking or gasping to take a deep breath.

One can worry and become anxious about the worse of the three (attacks).  BUT, how one handles the worry and anxiety BEFORE it reaches "attack level" is KEY and ESSENTIAL in healthy mental and emotional growth and development.  This, I have found-to.be.SO.true, over the past 1 1/2-2 years. 

For me-I go back to crying out the sweet name of Jesus, to begin with.  And I turn to scripture and song. 

Here are some passages the speak specifically about the heart.

Anxiety and the Heart:Proverbs 12:25Anxiety weighs down the heart,
  but a kind word cheers it up.

Psalm 27:1
1 The LORD is my light and my salvation—
   whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the stronghold of my life—
   of whom shall I be afraid?

John 14:27Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

Rescue Me

I will periodically share music lyrics, youtube videos, etc. that "hit the mark" and have ministered to my heart, at different times.  I pray that no matter where you are at in this journey, these songs will speak to you at the right moment. 

Just last night, I was praying and asking God to show me, in HIS time, which songs to share and at the right time.  I have several precious friends heavy on my heart today and as I've prayed, He-in His o-so-amazing ways, brought this to me (*God Wink Moment*):

I pray that He will RESCUE you, sweet sisters. 

SOOOO much to share--to which I will elaborate on *God Wink Moment* at a later time.

What's A Weeping Willow Gotta Do With Me?

I'm just getting started, here.  Welcome.  My prayer is that God uses my struggles, my journey and the VICTORIES GAINED over anxiety through God's strength, to minister to YOU, where you're at NOW-in order for you to find the same victories OR to help someone in your life who maybe struggling with the same issues.

Last night, as I was beginning to lay the foundation of the "Weeping Willow Tree" in my life, I stated:
Find your FOCUS.  Determine NOW what your focus will be, when you're in the midst of the pain of childbirth. Now, instead of "childbirth"--insert:  divorce. cancer. death of loved one. (SPOUSE? PARENT!) miscarriage. infertility. affair.  loss of friendships.  close friends or family relocating. loss of job. loss of home.  financial ruins.

The summer of 1992, I participated in a youth missions trip to Chicago, IL and attended an evangelism training week called "SEMP."  During that week, we memorized Hebrews 12:1-3 (and YES, for those who "know me well"--this was probably where my LOVE for motions/sign language began--because I can STILL remember the motions very vividly) Again--EMPHASIS is mine:

 1 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, 2 fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3 Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

Find your FOCUS.  Determine NOW what your focus will be.......What do you have your eyes fixed on?  What or WHO is your focus?  Your sickness?  Your loss?  Your spouse or child?  Your friend?  Your finances? 

Guess what--HE, Jesus Christ, considered YOU-when he endured the cross-when He scorned it's shame, when He sat down at the right hand of the throne of God--YOU were HIS FOCUS. 

U.You.U.YOU.u.you.You.
Got it?

Now, WHO is your focus?  No matter how you think you may react-how you may feel-cry, scream, cuss, throw up, punch a hole in the wall--when you're being faced with an anxiety driven issue--WHO is your focus?  WHO do you fix your eyes on, as you make your way, down to The Weeping Willow Tree? 

Jesus.JESUS.Jesus. 

Create a visual for you, to focus on.....and when you begin to feel the anxiety starting to bubble deep down-gooooooo.........to that HaPpY PlAcE--but be sure the WHO of what you're focusing on-the WHAT of what you're focusing on is....Jesus.JESUS.Jesus. 

(I promise, I'll write more on this later--but just laying the foundation of focus-weeping willow trees-lamaze-anxiety-life-etc. b/c well-it's hard to do in just one simple post.)



Psalm 139

Psalm 139: 13-18, 23-24 (emphasis MINE-the Word-God's)

 13 For you created my inmost being;
   you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
   your works are wonderful,    I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
   when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
 16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
   were written in your book    before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God!
   How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
   they would outnumber the grains of sand—
   when I awake, I am still with you.

23 Search me, God, and know my heart;
   test me and know my anxious thoughts. 24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
   and lead me in the way everlasting.

Say Wha? A Weeping Willow?

Step back with me in time.....

September 2003-my husband and I found ourselves sitting in a roomful of strangers-24+1 instructor, to be exact and 12 of them were 7 1/2 months pregnant, like myself.  Awkward silence deafened our ears, as we sat in anticipation for 8 weeks of  what we soon came to dread as our "Lamaze Class."  Dread may be too strong impolite I dunno-too much of a word-but for me and my overgrowing midsection-the LAST place I wanted to find myself every.Monday.evening, was on the floor with a pillow, my husband and an overly friendly lady* with her Colombian boyfriend*, to our left, who, I must add, laughed at EVERY.awkward.comment or sound that came from my husband's mouth. 

I don't remember MUCH about the important stuff of those 8 weeks, because thanks to my husband's very LARGE genes, I ended up having 2 c-sections with both of our son's birth and didn't have to recall much of it when "Push-Came-2-Shove" but other than "Obnoxious Baptist Couple" who laughed at themselves the whole.darn.8.weeks and three other couples we "honed in on" (the overly friendly lady and her Colombian boyfriend, for one)--I pretty much blocked out those 8.long.weeks.  BUT, but, BUT--the ONE.thing.I.DO.remember-was this:

Find your FOCUS.  Determine NOW what your focus will be, when you're in the midst of the pain of childbirth.  And whatever.u.do-do NOT lose your focus.  Our instructor called it our "HaPpY PlAcE."  It did not take me long, sitting in the most uncomfortable position, between my husband's legs with a pillow wedged between our bodies-to "find my HaPpY PlAcE." 

Now, step back me, FURTHER in time.....to that HaPpY PlAcE:

I was 5.  6.  7.  8.  9.  10.  11.  Yes, all those ages.  And maybe even younger.  Yeah, even younger.  And I was flying HIGH-up-up-UP-then falling back down-down-DOWN but Up-up-UP in the backwards motion.  Back-and-forth. Up and back.  I was holding tight, as if my little life depended on it, seated on a narrow piece of wood.  But, it was ALL good.  I was in my HaPpY PlAcE.  I was sitting on a swing, hanging from the strong mature limbs of Grandma and Grandpa Ziegler's Weeping Willow Tree.  What a GORGEOUS tree it was.  It's branches acted as a hiding place, an oasis, to my siblings and myself, whenever we'd find our way to our favorite neighbor's farm and yard.  I would often reach up as HIGH as my little arms could reach, grabbing hold of one of the "fuzzy" branches and then running my hand down the branch, in it's weeping motion, and feel the softness of it's leave that also was rough and firm, if you can use those very contrasting descriptions for the same object.  Swinging back and forth, back and forth WAS my HaPpY PlAcE.  THAT, was my focal point.  And I'm proud to say-that on both occasions of my son's birth-I DID find myself using that ONE.thing. from Lamaze, to help me relax and keep my focus as I sat on the edge of the OR table, sans my husband, naked and shivering (brrrrrrr....less than 50 degrees in OR's--did you know that), trying to remain STILL and CALM as the anesthesiologist maneuvered his way INTO my spinal column with the very necessary epidural required for the very invasive surgeries.  I went to my HaPpY PlAcE.  Underneath the Weeping Willow Tree.  Where there were no worries.  Because, who has worries when she's only 5?

to be continued......

*The very friendly lady and her Colombian boyfriend became some of our dearest friends after we gave birth to sons 13 days apart and were "reunited" 3 months later at our "Lamaze Reunion."  Since, our families have celebrated their marriage, the birth of more babies (not them) and attend the same church as well as kids attend the same school! ;o)  And, that very friendly lady, still LAUGHS at EVERY.awkward.comment or sound that comes from my husband's mouth.  ;o)  And I LOVE her for it! ;o)